The Best of Times

Most of the time I only put a blog up if i'm frustrated, or if I'm upset about something.... but this time, it's because I just had an amazing night! It is October 12, 2008, exactly 8 months before Joel and I get married. I was watching another couple tonight (who happen to be friends of mine). And the girl was holding her fiance's hand and her finace made the comment that he didn't understand why she wanted to hold his hand and he thought that it was pointless. Sometimes I look at those two and think... is he just settling for her? And somtimes I look at Joel and think, "Is he just settling for me?" I look up to Joel all the time. He's an amazing guy and sometimes I just feel so inadquate.

For some reason I have developed a needle phobia. I HATE needles... last time I went to the doctor they gave me an allergy shot and they ended up having to sit me down and put ice on the back of my neck b/c I nearly passed out. I have always dreamed of having children.... I've always wanted two kids. But the process of having children scares me half to death! I would literally be knocked out for the entire process because I don't do well with needles, pain, or doctores. Right now, when I think about having children it just does not apeal to me. It's scares me. I honestly don't know if I can have children. As I was talking to Joel tonight I was telling him this (b/c I know that haveing children is important). I have this since that I am an inadequate for him... and the way he reasured me that he wasn't just settling for me... was beautiful!

Both of us agree that adoption is not an option for us b/c we think that the child should either be with the parents or with some family member... we have both seen the distruction of adoption and we don't want to be part of it. He described to me that when we have sex it will be the closest most itimate thing that we will share with each other ... and that that is the time when life should be made. He also said that there are alot of things he would give up in life to have children ... even law school... which is something he's dreamed about for years! He also said that ... even though he would give all of that stuff up ... even though he wouldn't have children ... he would still be blest to have spent his life with me.

As you can imagine ... I was in tears! I cried for a good 15 min... and I know I just butchered the story ... it was alot more beautiful than I made it sound. I just wanted to be able to remember it! Which is why i'm writing it on here.  

Disapointment

Marriage

A time for anger and a time for happieness

A time for anger:

I'm sick of it. I'm sick of so much being expected out of me and none of it being expected of my brother. I'm tired of being treated like crap by being cussed out and flicked off every other second by him and yet he never gets in trouble for it. I remember saying only one cus word out loud in my entire life and when I did it... I got grounded for 2 months. He cusses all the time and flicks me off of the time and he never gets in trouble for it. I'm tired of being degraded and I'm tired of no one doing anything about it! I'm mad that my dad is never home to do anything about it ... b/c obviously my mom feels as if she can't handle it. I want something to be done about it. When I was a teenager and got grounded... I felt as if my entire life was taken away.... but when he is grounded he always has something that he can do ... His entire life is not taken away. It drives me crazy. I recall running away one time in highschool. I only went to my Aunt's house down the street... but I got grounded and I felt like there was no one to talk to and I was completely alone. So I left. I was tired of being in a box and never allowed to do anything .... and my brother getting away with everything that he does. Well... 3 or 4 years later... and it's still happening! Now worse than ever. I don't know if I can live with his mouth and horrible attitude this whole summer. I'm so glad that I'm getting married next summer so I don't have to hear any of it!!!

A time for happiness:

Did I mention I was getting married next summer!!! The wedding date has been moved up a year... to where I wanted it in the first place. My parents aren't as excited about it as I am. Especially my mother.... she things is disrepectful that I am not waiting as she asked. I personally think that it is just an adult decision that I should get to make and not her. I wish she trusted me and would quit worrying that everything wasn't going to be ok. I wish she would focus on the positive and not the negative! At least I'm not eloping as my cousin has just recently done. At least I'm marrying a very good Christian guy who I found at a very good Christian school. At least I know that Joel is going to do everything in his power to make sure that we are going to be ok.

Now that I am home for the summer Joel and I are miles apart and will very rarely get to see each other. So because we are far apart we tend to argue more... but I think that is all my mom sees... us arguing. But the truth is ... we very rarely argue when we are together... and when we do argue ... we work it out then and there... and that is so much easier to do when you are looking at that person in the face than when you are six hours away. I can't wait till I can be with him forever!!! I'm looking forward to life that we are going to make together and the family that we will eventually have. But hopefully not for a long time. I'm happy about our change of date for our marriage .... I wish everyone else could be too. I think the very few people that have problems with it is my mom ... my grandparents (although I really don't think they have much of a problem with it)... and my aunt ( but she has never said anything to me about.) There are so many reasons as to why we want to get married eariler and I've tried to explain that to them ... but they just don't understand.